The Borrowed Life
Nathan Tolman
A faint tap, tap, tap on the windowpane broke Elias’s gaze. He blinked, the spreadsheet on his computer screen swimming back into focus, its rows and columns a stark, familiar prison. He’d been miles away, a world away, caught in a daydream of Anne from marketing. The daydream was always the same: a shared laugh over a bad coffee, a lingering touch as she passed him a file, a future that existed just beyond the reach of his cubicle walls. He was a collector of these small, un-taken risks—risks he’d been told to avoid his whole life. “Be an accountant,” his mother had said, “it’s a respectable career. You’ll always have a job.” So he did. He followed the path of least resistance, trading the life of what could be for the dull safety of a steady paycheck.
The tap came again, a little more insistent this time. He glanced up, his heart still buzzing from his imagined conversation with Anne, to see Caroline standing there, her kind eyes and gentle smile greeting him. She was always nice to him. She motioned for him to take off his headphones and he reluctantly obliged. “Hey, Elias,” she said, her voice soft but clear. “I was wondering if you’d like to grab a pastry sometime? Just a casual thing.”
Elias’s mind raced. He knew he should say yes. It was a risk, a new conversation, a different kind of possibility. But the fantasy of Anne, of a life he hadn’t yet tried to build, was so much more appealing than the tangible, real one in front of him. “That’s really kind of you, Caroline, but I can’t,” he said, the words feeling heavy and hollow in his mouth. “Maybe some other time.” Her smile faltered slightly, but she nodded and walked away.
He watched her go, a fresh wave of self-pity washing over him. The world was full of people asking him to take chances, but he always held back, afraid of what might be on the other side. His eyes drifted from the screen to his boss, Mr. Henderson, whose office door was ajar. Elias felt a familiar surge of resentment. He had worked hard all year, putting in extra hours and going above and beyond, but Mr. Henderson seemed intent on withholding his bonus. Elias was sure of it. His stupid face, cold and unyielding, seemed to taunt him, yet another thing that was holding him back. He was a prisoner in a life he had built from a blueprint that wasn’t his own.
His gaze drifted to the window again, where a pigeon perched on the ledge, cooed softly. The bird’s beady eyes seemed to meet his, and Elias envied it. The pigeon was free. It didn’t have a soul-crushing job, a demanding boss, or a life that had been planned out by someone else. It could fly wherever it wanted, see new sights, and live on its own terms. He longed for that kind of freedom, for a life of passion and adventure. As he watched the pigeon take flight, soaring above the city, a quiet wish formed in his mind: I want that. I want to be free. And as if by magic, his wish was granted. The world around him began to warp and shift, and he found himself in a completely different body—the body of the pigeon.
Elias felt a rush of wind rushing through his hair, no, his feathers! He instinctively flapped his wings to an internal rhythm that demanded he soar higher and faster. He was a god, observing his world as he flew high above it. He weaved around buildings and danced with the wind.
The moment was cut short as he began to feel very tired. His vision became blurry and before he knew it he was back in his own body, which was slumped over his desk. It was apparent that he had been drooling. He checked the time and only a couple of minutes had passed.
Elias returned upright to his desk with feathers still tingling in his memory. He smiled involuntarily.
“Someone’s having a good morning,” came a soft voice. Caroline.
She set a file on his desk and lingered for a second. “You ever feel like you’re meant for something more than spreadsheets?”
Elias blinked, startled. “Yeah,” he said, quietly. “Lately, a lot.”
She smiled. “Me too.”
Elias wondered if the pigeon was a dream or if it was real. He could, in his mind’s eye, feel the sensation of wind rushing through his feathers. He wondered if it had been just another daydream. The drool on his desk was strong evidence in support of him sleeping on the job. But still, the experience was surreal and he wondered if he could make it happen again. He sat comfortably and securely, this time, in his chair and tried again.
Elias reached out with his mind and attached onto another passing pigeon. The world began again to warp and shift and once again Elias became a pigeon. While in flight, Elias looked back at his office building and saw that the window to his boss’s office was open and he had laid out his morning bagel on the desk. A cruel idea sparked in his mind. Elias looked around and found an old bagel sitting in the gutter. He swooped down and retrieved the bagel, then flew quietly through his boss’s window and made the swap; fresh bagel for gutter bagel. Just after retreating through the window, Elias’s consciousness flooded back to himself. This time he was slumped off to the side of his chair. As he came to, a few concerned coworkers asked if he was okay. Elias brushed it off and got back to work.
As Elias was mentally debriefing this second encounter with a pigeon, his thoughts were interrupted by coughing, swearing, and then shouting coming from his boss’s office. Mr. Henderson slammed the door, picked up the phone, and began waving his gutter bagel around, yelling angrily at who he can only assume was the poor bakery he bought the bagel from. Elias felt pure exhilaration. His power was no daydream. It was real.
After work, Elias went to the park, found a comfortable place to sit and began experimenting with all sorts of creatures, a squirrel, an ant, a dog. He saw the world from so many new perspectives. He wondered at the limits of his power. He began to notice that after each connection he made with the creatures, Elias felt a residual echo of their consciousness.
In the days that followed, Elias lived a dozen lives. He darted through alleys as a rat, scaled trees as a squirrel, even joined a family’s backyard barbecue as a dog, tail wagging with joy. Each time, he returned to his body with new sensations clinging to him like fog — instincts he had to shake off. The power was exhilarating… and exhausting. After being a dog, he had to fight the urge to run and chase after a passing frisbee. After being a squirrel, it was all he could do to not run up a tree. His body began to grow tired at the end of each consciousness jump and he began to understand the physical toll that this mental/spiritual/whatever-it-was connection had on him.
One morning Elias rode the train to work. He was still a little tired from the day before and missed his usual train across town. He was eager to get to work and begin experimenting with his newfound power. The possibilities were endless. While he was planning his day, his thoughts were interrupted by the sweet sound of a subway troubadour. This man was singing while strumming the guitar in such a beautiful way that Elias had never heard before. It was bewitching. As he listened Elias felt envy for the skill of the musician and longed to have such ability. Without thinking too much about it, Elias reached out with his mind.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he became the musician. He didn’t miss a beat as muscle memory took over. Elias was a troubadour. He poured his soul into the song and a crowd began to appear. He felt a strong connection to the listeners, and especially with the music he was creating. He figured this musician must have spent a lifetime becoming this skilled. After a while, Elias noticed his crowded waning. They seemed fixated on something happening on the other side of the platform, his side of the platform. A small gap formed between the spectators and he saw his own body, seemingly lifeless on the subway floor. He allowed himself to snap back into his own body. He shot upright, giving a few spectators a startle. Someone offered to call 911. He assured them that he was fine, and then he hopped on his train. His body was tired, but his soul was aflame. He thought of all the things he had been missing in his life; knowing that they were all now within his grasp.
As he settled into his cubicle, his mind wandered to where it often did, Anne. He looked over to where she sat and saw her talking with Todd. Todd was a real jerk. He hated that guy. Today Anne was crying while Todd seemed to be quietly, angrily speaking to her. Elias thought to himself that Todd didn’t deserve Anne. Elias would never speak to her that way, and would be a way better boyfriend than Todd ever could be. Elias began to feel a connection open up with Todd. He hesitated for a moment as he pondered the ethical implications of what he was about to do. But Anne was sad, and Todd was a jerk. That worked for him!
Next thing he knew, Elias, as Todd, was leaning over a crying Anne’s desk. He could feel the lingering anger and resentment that Todd had felt. He pushed that away for now and apologized to Anne, for Todd. She looked up, surprised but wary at the change in tone. Elias spent the next hour listening to Anne and being as kind and supportive as he thought she deserved. After a while, Anne began to smile. She looked at Elias, and gave him a thankful nod. Oh, how beautiful she was. How amazing it was that Elias had this chance to be with her. Anne reached over and placed her hand on Elias’s, or Todd’s. This snapped Elias out of it as he remembered that he was only a visitor to this interaction. He let himself go back into his own body.
As Elias returned to his body, his boss was standing outside his cubicle, arms folded with a disappointed look on his face. Elias knew what was coming next. On his way to Mr. Henderson’s office, Elias looked over at Anne’s workstation and saw Todd return to his anger, which left Anne looking even more hurt and confused.
Elias entered Henderson’s office and he braced himself for the stern conversation. His boss began berating him about sleeping on the job, about how he had been hearing complaints from other employees that this wasn’t the first time, etc. blah blah blah. Elias had more important things to do and think about. His mind began to wander as he looked anywhere other than where his boss was standing. As he looked around he caught a tiny glimpse of a file on his boss’s desktop that appeared to have Elias’s name on it. Henderson snapped his fingers to get Elias’s attention and continued to tell him that he was not pleased with his performance.
In a moment of curiosity and instinct he jumped into his boss’s consciousness. He had to act quickly before anyone noticed Elias’s lifeless body on the floor. He sat at his boss’s computer and let muscle memory type the password. He selected the file and unveiled a modified ledger showing a percentage of each employee’s bonuses being funneled directly to Mr. Henderson. Elias was stunned, but also relieved that his suspicions were correct all along. The moment had lasted too long. He needed to get back to his body. He closed the file, logged out, and recreated the scene as best he could before the switch.
As he snapped back into his body, Elias felt something stick — a bitter taste in his mouth, a flicker of greed that wasn’t his. He shook his head, trying to dispel the heaviness in his chest. Was this Mr. Henderson’s mind still echoing in him?
Elias saw his boss now with a horrified expression looking down at him. He made a comment about how Elias needed to sort out this whole sleeping at work thing. Elias signed the performance improvement plan and returned to his desk. So many things had happened today, and he needed space and time to process it all. He messaged his boss and sent himself home sick.
For the rest of the afternoon, he couldn’t shake the thought: If I keep doing this… how much of me stays me?
That night Elias was a whirl of ideas and dreams. He wanted to read the file on his boss’s computer, he wanted to be a musician again, but most of all, he wanted to be with Anne. He could have it all, accountant or not, single or not. The world was his for the taking. He had a plan, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, he could see things going his way.
At his desk the next day, Elias set out to expose his boss. As soon as he arrived at work and sat at his desk, Elias made the jump. He located the file and emailed it to everyone in the company. Now all he had to do was watch it unfold. Quiet muttering turned to gasps and then to outrage. People were demanding answers and by lunchtime, Elias’s boss was leaving in handcuffs. Take care of the bad boss? Check.
Next on the checklist, give Anne what she always wanted, a good boyfriend. Elias knew it wouldn’t be right to break them up or to influence Anne to love him over Todd. So instead, he decided to be the hero, and just fix their problems himself. He made the jump to Todd’s consciousness. He approached Anne and began talking to her. He could sense that she was still hurt from yesterday’s antics. Elias tried to gain trust and help her open up. As they talked, Elias noticed that he could feel some of Todd’s feelings and he could sense that his intentions were not in Anne’s favor. He could feel Todd’s insecurities and could now see that Anne had become a dumping ground for his guilt and shame. He had no intention of repairing the relationship. Elias saw Anne’s hurt expression and could see that there was little hope for this relationship. But he longed for that connection he felt when their hands touched the day before. Maybe he could feel that again if he were to help Anne be happy. He had to try, for Anne’s sake, of course.
Elias tried to get to the crux of the problem. He asked questions and he listened as Anne spoke. Elias was genuine in his desire to help her, and was ready to understand her pain. As he listened, Anne opened up. “You never seem to want to be with me, “ she said. “Whenever I try to make plans with you, you have some reason why you can’t make it. Do you even want to spend time with me?” Elias could feel Todd’s resentment toward this accusation, and felt the words that Todd wanted to say in rebuttal, but he pushed them away. It was time to listen, and he was making ground with Anne. “I didn’t know you felt this way,” he said, “and I’m really sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” But did Todd want to hurt her? It didn’t matter. Elias was there to fix the problem. “Maybe I was just too scared to tell you how I felt,” he said. His words started to feel like his own, projecting his actual feelings toward Anne. “Why haven’t you said this before,” she asked. “I’ve been trying to know how you were feeling for months”
Elias considered his response and said, “Maybe taking risks is hard. Maybe you wouldn’t like me. Maybe I’m afraid that you’ll reciprocate my feelings, and that I’ll mess it up. Maybe I’m afraid that my life situation is the result of my own actions, and no one else’s. What if I’m not good enough for you, or good enough for anything?”
Anne touched his hand and said “You’re good enough for me,” She leaned in for a kiss and the world began to shift, his vision blurred and whoosh, he was back in his own body. As he picked himself up from the floor of his cubicle, he looked across the office and saw Anne kissing Todd. The moment had passed. Todd pulled out of the embrace and Elias saw an exchange of words between the couple. Anne pleaded with Todd but his expression grew defensive. Todd said something to Anne and she slapped him. Elias saw her mouth the words “It’s over,” to which Todd said, “Good!” The encounter ended and Todd walked away. Poor Anne, thought Elias. He wished he could help.
Elias watched from his desk as Anne sat, head down, visibly shaken after her breakup with Todd. That old itch returned — the urge to help, to take control, to fix things. His power surged, ready, waiting. He could slip into Todd again, smooth it over, make her smile. But then... he paused.
What if she didn’t need someone to rescue her? What if what she really needed was someone who saw her — someone who showed up honestly, without masks?
For the first time, Elias let the power go. He stood up, walked over, and simply asked, “Are you okay?”
Anne looked concerned, or confused at his presence. “You saw that?” she asked.
“Yeah, I did, but it’s okay. I wanted to make sure you were alright,” Elias responded.
“I’m fine,” said Anne, “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“That’s okay. We don’t have to talk. Would you want to maybe go for a walk with me? Some fresh air should be nice. Plus I’ve thought it would be fun to get to know each other better.”
Anne looked away and said, “Sorry Elias. I can’t.”
“That’s okay, Anne,” he said. “Maybe we can reschedule for another time.”
“No, what I meant to say is that I’m not interested. Sorry.”
Elias felt so stupid. He thanked her for her time, and returned to his desk, defeated. What was the deal? He knew Anne and knew what she wanted in a relationship. Was he really that undesirable? He had this amazing ability to influence the world around him and still he couldn’t get a date. He thought about the incredible experiences he had had over the past few days, and wondered what he might be missing. He remembered flying through the city as a bird and climbing trees as a squirrel. He had seen and done so much, things he never thought he would be capable of. Without this power, he never would have had the courage to confront his boss, or to speak to Anne. He wondered what would have happened if he never gained this power. Probably nothing, like usual, he thought to himself. But that wasn’t fair. He had this new power, but he himself was the one who made the decisions. He chose to speak to Anne, to play the guitar in the subway, and expose his boss’s lies. The power helped, but it was him, not the power that made it happen.
As he considered this, he thought about his life. In reality, it wasn’t his mom’s fault that he was an accountant. He remembered being excited as a kid when he was accepted into the school of accounting. He was good at it, and he actually kind of liked his job in some ways. The only thing his mom was guilty of was loving him and rooting for him along the way. And he did like the stability his job provided. His choices were his own, and his life was a reflection of those choices, HIS choices. He began to feel something inside of him that seemed like a distant memory, something that he felt all the time as a kid, and frequently during his college years; worthiness. He felt worthy of a good life, worthy of a girlfriend, worthy of it all. He just needed to own it.
It was growling late and people were going home for the day. Elias noticed Caroline leaving and he remembered how kind she had always been to him. He now understood how she might have felt when she asked him to get a pastry with her. He was so distracted by a relationship that wasn’t his to have that he totally disregarded the one that was blossoming right in front of him.
“Hey Caroline!” He shouted. She stopped and turned around, looking a little surprised. “It’s Friday.”
“Yes it is,” she replied “And you’re shouting that for what reason?”
“What are you doing this weekend?”
“Well, I bought myself a guitar a couple of years ago and I’m finally going to take my first lesson. I’m kind of excited actually.”
“That sounds amazing. Can I come?”
“Are you sure? It might be a total disaster.”
“I’ve played once or twice, but I’d love to learn more. Plus I think it’d be fun to get to know each other better.”
“I think so, too. Let’s go!”
Elias used to think life just happened to him — a quiet, predictable path where safety meant success and risk was something to avoid. But his strange new power changed that, showing him he’d always had control. Through the eyes of birds, dogs, musicians, and even his boss, he realized life isn’t about avoiding failure — it’s about choosing to try. He’d clung to fantasies like Anne because they were safer than real connections, like Caroline, who’d been there all along. In the end, the real magic wasn’t in becoming someone else — it was in becoming himself. For the first time in years, Elias didn’t want to escape his life. He just wanted to live it — and that made him feel truly worthy.
Nathan Tolman has always imagined stories in his mind, but writing “The Borrowed Life” is the first time he’s put one of them to paper. He lives in Boston with his wife and two daughters. They enjoy reading, exploring the city, and going on adventures.
I love the idea of taking ownership of our own lives -- great story!